P(lease) M(ore) S(nacks)…

Ah, PMS. A wonderful time in every woman’s life.

Now, in the past I always knew I craved junk food and wanted to eat more, but I figured a lot of it was just mental. After experiencing PMS while on the Whole30, I now know the truth.

It is NOT JUST MENTAL. I was so freaking hungry! And Chocolate. Oh Chocolate – I wanted some so bad! I haven’t really craved anything this entire time – so don’t tell me it was all in my head!

But don’t you worry, friends, I’m happy to report I am still slip-free! I did eat a few more Larabars than normal, but hey – that’s not bad, if I do say so myself. And I do…say so…myself.

In the Whole30 book it says that a lot of people experience very vivid dreams where they are eating “forbidden” foods while doing this diet. I chuckled at that and thought, aw that’s cute. But that definitely won’t happen to me.

Three times. It’s happened THREE times.

During week two, I had a dream I was knockin’ back SO MANY frappuccinos. So delicious. I blame the aforementioned Starbucks ads on social media. Jerks.

This week (PMS week), I dreamed I was eating this big bowl of oily, poorly-mixed mac and cheese. It was gross, but I kept eating it. What?!

A couple nights later, I dreamed I was eating anything around, not realizing I was eating “forbidden” food until I was sipping on a bottle of Coke.

In all the dreams, when I woke up and realized it wasn’t real, I was SO RELIEVED! I didn’t actually screw up! I guess it makes sense that something I’m so focused on right now – what I’m eating – would seep into my dreams too.

Eighteen Days, guys! I can’t believe I have less than two weeks to go. I’m transitioning into planning mode now – what will I eat to reintroduce food groups back into my diet? How am I going to eat after this? What boundaries do I need to put on myself to make sure I don’t easily slide back into old habits?

I’ve never spent so much thoughtful time and energy on my health. It doesn’t feel like a burden though, more a problem to solve, a sort of game I suppose – a hobby? Whatever it is, I’m staying very interested in it, so that’s a plus!

Thanks again for reading, friends. I hope you are doing well on whatever journey you are on – remember: Love Yourself First and Always Keep Fighting – brighter days are ahead!

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Me and Jared Padalecki, March 20, 2016

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Two Weeks!

Seems I shorted myself a day at some point! I’m finishing up Day 14 today!

The weekend was busy, and I probably didn’t eat as much as I should have, but I made it through without running for fast food or anything. Tonight I made myself a burger on lettuce with grilled onions and mushrooms with a side of sweet potato fries – amazing!

It’s been really challenging to still not weigh or measure myself. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I think maybe I’ve lost weight, but most times I look the same as before. It’s amazing how much your self-worth and self-esteem is dependent on a number. This is a good exercise in really knowing myself – how I’m feeling, how I look, how I think about myself.

Awesome

Getting ready to start another week – week three. Excited to see what changes take place!

Have a great week everyone!

Simplify.

I’m running out of things to blog about! I may start blogging every other day, unless something interesting happens or inspires me – just a heads up to all my loyal followers (haha…).

Like I’ve said before, I’m enjoying cooking. However, cooking every weeknight was getting a bit hard – mostly due to the amount of time it was taking. I’m sure as I cook more I’ll get faster. So yesterday, I decided to simplify things.

For dinner, I made myself a salad – I basically just put anything I already had chopped in the salad. I also cooked up some chicken. Then, a miracle happened. I tried Balsamic, and I loved it!

I have tried Balsamic so many times before and always found it to be pretty gross. This diet change has definitely affected my tastebuds! This makes me so happy because I don’t want to have to make my own salad dressing!

Also, all the other salad dressings I looked at when I went shopping had soybean oil in them. What’s with that? (for those who don’t know, you can’t have soy (legumes) on the Whole30). So, balsamic it was. Tessamae’s Balsamic is Whole30 approved, and delicious! They have other dressings and sauces as well, I found them in the refrigerated section in produce. But read the labels! Some of their dressings have soybean oil in them too!

 

Tonight I had a side salad, chicken with salsa, and half an avocado. SIMPLE. And delicious and satisfying. And I didn’t spend the majority of my night in the kitchen!

Tomorrow is Friday and then another busy weekend for me. I’ll be honest, I haven’t really planned my meals/how I’m going to get through this weekend – that will be first priority tomorrow night so I can successfully navigate it!

Have a Happy Friday!

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P.S. I promise, sometimes I’m not even looking for Supernatural-related gifs. They just find me.

So Fancy…

Not much to blog about today. I will say, that cooking seems to be getting more fun for me.

I may have even leveled up in cooking tonight:

Look how fancy I am!

And there’s KALE in that! And it’s DELICIOUS. It’s a recipe in the Whole30 cookbook if you’re wondering!

Also, I discovered when you add finely chopped kale to a hot pan, it flies into the air. And it’s hilarious.

Have a great day tomorrow! Because tomorrow…

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This is Life Now

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(source: wallpaperscraft.com)

During this whole process, I’ve had this feeling that at some point, this was going to get very very hard – I’d have horrible withdrawal symptoms, and I’d want to eat everything I’m not supposed to, and I’d want to cry at every meal. This hasn’t happened. Not even close.

But still, I’ve been fearful of it – waiting for the monster to attack.

Today, while at work, I was thinking about this once again. When will it start to get really hard? When I’m halfway through? When I’m near the end?

I realized two things:

First, why do I believe that this has to be painful? Everyone’s experience with things is a little different, with some similarities, of course. But what if my body and my mind and my soul were just really ready for this? So, I’m choosing to stop waiting for the bottom to drop out on me. I’m going to keep focused on the road ahead and believe that only the best things are to come during this experience.

Second, there is no halfway through, no end to this. I will never be done. This is life now. And while there are some things that I’ll get to add back into my diet in 30 (now 22!) days, the habits I’m starting now are the same habits I’ll need in my new life. I’ll be cooking more and thinking more about what I put into my body.

I think that in some ways, always thinking that there is a finish line in a diet (or any other lifestyle change), harms progress. Because what happens when you finish? You go back to old habits? Shouldn’t you be different by the end of it, so it’s not easy to go back?

Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m going to be celebrating the crap out of making it through this thing! But actually looking at this as my LIFE and not just a month to get through is what’s going to make real change take place.

Keep Going

I got home really late on Saturday night, so I decided to do a combined blog tonight!

Saturday morning/early afternoon was very relaxed for me.I spent time planning my meals for the week and compiling a grocery list. Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying attention and ran out of time to make and eat my lunch before I had to leave for my film-making class. I was worried I would get too hungry and make a bad decision later, so I started to look for any type of approved food I could take with me. I ended up taking a couple pickles, half an avocado, olives, and a Larabar. I ate on the go and it saved me from getting hungry.

After class, I went and visited my mom. I had packed my dinner, so made it there while we chatted. Then I went to see my brother’s family’s new house. It was a great time, but it was a little hard to be there because there was pizza, brownies, and I even saw some of their groceries on the counter. But I made it through. I feel like every time I make it through a situation like that, I get stronger. I’m also proud of myself for making it through an on-the-go day without stopping for fast food AND without simply not eating all day.

This morning (Sunday) was really nice. I was able to make myself breakfast and coffee and relax before church. The rest of the day was busy with grocery shopping and food prep. It’s definitely not ideal for me to have to do both on the same day. There were so many times that I wanted to stop making dressing or butter or chopping vegetables. I had to have a constant dialogue with myself:

“I don’t need to do anymore. I’ll be okay. I’ll just figure it out tomorrow. I just want to sit down and watch TV.”

“Aubrey, this is not that hard. You just have to chop some veggies. It’s easy. Keep going.”

And I did – I kept going. And the food I made came out fantastic! I’m actually finding cooking to be kind of fun – who knew?

Oh and it’s official now – I’ve made it through the first seven days! I can’t remember the last time I actually made it through any diet plan for seven days without cheating once!

Here’s to a week of success – and for this next week as well!

One Tiny Sip

Panera Bread.

I sat through a two-hour work meeting while everyone was eating Panera Bread, and I survived! Do you think they make a souvenir T-shirt for that? I ate my chili and Larabar, and made it through!

Something did happen during that lunch meeting though – completely unintentional. We had two types of iced tea from Panera Bread. I tried one and it was decent, then decided to try the green tea.

In one tiny sip, I knew.

This has sugar in it.

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I panicked a little inside, but was in the middle of the meeting so had to focus on the agenda. Meanwhile, this small cup of green elixir-of-the-gods tea sat in front of me – taunting me, calling to me, begging me to give in.

“You already had a small sip, might as well drink the whole cup.”

NO.

A few times during the meeting, I looked at the cup and had the same thoughts – more from habit than desire:

I should finish the cup of tea because I poured myself a cup of tea.

If I already made a tiny mistake, why not enjoy it and make it a full-on mistake.

Old thinking patterns must die.

After the meeting was over I went online to check the ingredients, and sure enough, cane sugar was on the list. I gave my cup of tea to a coworker and continued on with my day. I’m a little annoyed that sugar crossed my lips, but it was such a small amount that I’m moving on.

I’m proud of myself though – for resisting my old thinking patterns and leaving a cup of really delicious tea in front of me for two hours and not giving in.

I’m still feeling pretty great, and cooking food and prepping meals is almost becoming normal to me. I seared and baked a steak tonight – it was delicious, and I didn’t even put any sauces on it.

It just really feels good to be living life like this right now.

And now, I get to enjoy a night of binge-watching Supernatural on Netflix with another one of my amazing friends! Yay for Friday and for the weekend!

 

Day Four. Rawr.

My alarm went off this morning and my eyes opened, and I was just, awake. Like, fully alert – no grogginess or heaviness. I mean, I still hit my snooze button a few times cause I wanted to lay there longer. But wow, I was just so ready to get up.

Normally, mornings are rough for me – no matter what time it is or how much sleep I’ve had, I hate waking up. Maybe part of that is the way I’ve been eating all these years – sort of drugging myself.

Today was another great day, but I think I’m really starting to feel the effects of all these changes. I was tired again throughout the day, and I felt some pains in my head at different times. I was also extremely thirsty – I couldn’t get enough water!

I was also not super impressed with my scrambled eggs this morning. They were good, but I guess more than three days in a row is too much. I’ll have to mix it up this next week a bit more. I also felt hungry at several different times today. I think I’m eating plenty, so it may just be withdrawal or thirst for water.

Tonight, I had coffee with one of my amazing friends! I ordered an iced black coffee, nothing added to it – and it was amazing! So good! This was a pleasant surprise. I’ve been having hot black coffee in the morning and it’s been okay, but the coffee at the coffee shop was even better. I’m so glad I can have coffee during this – at least I get to keep one of my addictions.

Spending time with my friend was so good! Today was a bit challenging, so being able to spend some time with someone who always “lights me up” was just what I needed!

LindsayandMe Mariners

(This is my friend and me at a Mariners game this past Summer)

Tomorrow is Day Five. It’s Friday and payday – a day I’d normally treat myself to eating out and/or Starbucks. But friends, I will persevere – I will make it through!

Rawr!

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(source: disneysdreamings.com)

The Best Medicine

This morning, my head felt so heavy – like I had been hit by a truck in the middle of the night! Luckily, there was no pain, but it made it very hard to pull myself out of bed. But I did, and then successfully made everything for my breakfast without having to look at the cookbook! And I know that my “recipes” aren’t super difficult, but for me, this was an accomplishment!

I waited for more detox symptoms to come today – but nothing really came except more tiredness. I actually feel like my mood has already improved! This was very helpful today, as work was crazy stressful!

I mean, most of the day I felt like…

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Very grateful for my group of co-workers- wouldn’t want anyone else to be in the “foxhole” with me during battle! A bit dramatic? Yeah probably, but that’s me – hiii!

I did have a few moments today where I got overwhelmed thinking about the length of this thing. But I talked myself down rather quickly – one day at a time, Aubrey. Also, I really hate all the food promos you have to scroll past on social media sites now – Starbucks will you PLEASE STOP with the frappuccino ads?? Help a girl out!

On my way home from work I thought about how I got through the day without making a mistake with eating, considering how stressful it was. I know that at some point I was getting a little cranky and almost wanted to cry (combination of stress and new eating habits will do that). I figured out what I did – I started laughing and making more jokes. I mean, I make jokes on a regular basis, but I think I cranked it up a notch today. I – we – laughed a lot this afternoon and let me tell you – it’s good medicine.

I’ll have to keep that in mind in the future – maybe if I need some stress relief when I’m alone, I’ll watch a funny show or movie or some stand up comedy.

Good night, everyone! Keep laughing and smiling through it all!

Love Yourself First

Day two went better than I expected! I did have to deal with my spring allergies today, but they are starting to clear up a bit – one good thing about it finally raining!

I feel like I’m just waiting here, the calm before the storm of headaches and crankiness and any other withdrawal symptoms that are coming. I’m really trying to embrace how I feel now so I can hold on to that when I’m having a bad day!

The only withdrawal symptom I did start to have this afternoon was tiredness. I felt like I could close my eyes and fall asleep at my desk if I wanted to! But eating helps with that. I ate lunch a little earlier than normal when my sleepiness started to affect my brain function, and I perked right back up!

This morning, when I left my house I found this gift left on the outside of my door:

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Ha. Luckily, this early in the journey it didn’t phase me – but nice try!

This Whole 30 thing is pretty interesting. I feel like I’m in an experiment. It’s actually really good that it’s so black and white – there’s no way to trick yourself into cheating. Each day or meal is kind of like a pass/fail test – you either ate what you were supposed to, or you didn’t. I’m a pretty “gray” person naturally, so I guess this will be good for me – no faking myself out!

One of the rules on the Whole30 is no weighing yourself the entire 30 days. I put my scale in a closet that’s hard to open so I wouldn’t be able to weigh myself easily. I didn’t think that would be a big deal, but even last night I thought “I wonder if I lost any weight today – I did so good!” Then I was grateful that I couldn’t check. I felt so good about yesterday, what if the scale told me I’d gained weight? All of the good that happened yesterday would have been ruined.

I can already see how much this journey is a mental/emotional one more than a physical one. Which, when you’ve battled weight for any length of time, is what this all boils down to. You’re eating -or not eating- in healthy way, not because of the food, but because of how you feel about yourself. But most diets and plans focus heavily on the physical – without taking care of the root of the problem.

I’m hoping that this will help me take care of some roots 🙂

One timely thing that happened today was receiving this in the mail:

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It’s a t-shirt I bought as a part of a Represent campaign that Jared Padalecki does several times a year to raise money for non-profits (here’s an article about the beginnings of this) . It was a great reminder today that I’m doing this as a way of loving myself first – my whole self. And sometimes loving yourself first means doing hard things so that you can be happier and healthier on the other side.

Two days down, 28 days and a lifetime to go.

Remember friends – love yourself first, and always keep fighting!