Sad Awakening

Mornings are cruel.

At least when they pull me from you. They rip me from happy moments that only exist in my mind as I sleep, as I dream. While dreaming, you are my reality and life is good.

But then dawn creeps in, slowly clawing at my consciousness, forcing my mind to recognize my true surroundings: my bed, my room, my life – alone without you.

I try to stay, I do. I will myself to fall back into my joyful slumber to spend more time with you in whatever adventure we’d been having.

But my body betrays me as it continues to grow more aware of the coming day. So I surrender. I sigh. And I am sad.

But hope. Hope helps me arise. Hope that one day I’ll have you around during my waking hours, not just in dreams. And until then, hope that it won’t be too long until we fellowship again in my dreams.

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(I wrote this a couple months ago and put it on tumblr. Thought I’d put it on here since tumblr didn’t really work out for me 😉 )

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Put the Camera Down

I wish cameras were better…

Maybe I’m alone in this, but I doubt it. I love taking pictures of my experiences or interesting/entertaining things that I see, but there is always this frustration in me while taking the pictures, or later when reviewing them.

The camera didn’t catch “it.” Maybe it was the quality of the camera, or the picture comes out fuzzy, or it’s over- or under-exposed – and that’s always a bummer. But it’s usually something different for me.

For instance, at this moment I am sitting in Starbucks. Not just any Starbucks, but the one on the 40th floor of the Columbia Tower in Seattle. It’s a partly cloudy day, and instead of rushing home I thought I’d come up and enjoy the view. It’s gorgeous.

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Looking down makes me a little dizzy, even though I don’t have a fear of heights (clearly, as I’m on the 40th floor at my own volition). As I look out I can see the Bellevue skyline, churches, the freeway, apartments, and other buildings. There are white, puffy clouds accenting a mostly clear, blue sky. Beautiful.

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So I pull out my camera and begin to snap away, attempting to capture the moment. While the pictures I’ve taken look decent, they don’t capture it all.

A picture won’t capture the joy I feel being this high in the city (I’m speaking of altitude, funny people). It won’t capture my thoughts as I consider the lives being lived out below me. It definitely doesn’t capture the noise and conversations I’m hearing in the background at this moment.

And that is frustrating. I suppose it has to do with not wanting to accept that you can’t hold on to moments or people or things forever. You can try, but life inevitably moves on with or without your permission.

So what now? Is it my aim to stop taking pictures of memory-worthy moments? Not at all. I suppose I’m reminding myself – and maybe whomever else reads this – to enjoy the moments. Embrace them. Nothing after the moment you are in right now is guaranteed – so live it like it’s all you have.

So please, do take pictures – they will aid in memory down the road.

But before the moment passes you by – put the camera down.

All of Me

Being a person is quite an extraordinary thing. It’s not like being another kind of animal. We think, we learn, we progress, we analyze.

Animals exist. They eat, sleep, defecate, reproduce, and sometimes even develop what seem like human personality characteristics. But in the end, they simply exist and do their animal thing.

People, however, are not made to simply exist. Sure, we eat, sleep, etc etc. But we’re created for so much more. We have ideas and opinions and feelings. We are able to observe and adapt – physically, mentally, and emotionally. This very trait of being able to adapt is critically important.

This ability to adapt can also be the thing that kills us.

How many times have you observed the people around you and made sure that you adapted to what the majority were doing? There’s no shame in it – it’s what we do. We don’t want to stick out or do something wrong – we want to preserve our reputation and keep ourselves safe. Safety doesn’t always have to do with physical safety – we want to keep our hearts, the very core of ourselves, safe from scrutiny and judgement.

I’m 30 now, and over the last decade of my life I’ve been on a journey of discovering who I am and each season that has passed has brought a new awareness to me of how much I’d been hiding from the world around me. I’ve adapted very well, you see. I know how to say the right things, avoid the wrong things, and to not rock the boat. But as each season passes by, I realize that by hiding, I’ve robbed the world of myself.

This past weekend I went to Emerald City Comicon. I’ve never gone to one of these before, so wasn’t sure what to expect. I figured I’d see a lot of interesting people – and I did. And it was beautiful. It was beautiful because these people came out and showed off who they were, what they loved, and weren’t ashamed of it at all. Even more so, everyone else embraced them for all the more for it.

The fact is, we are all gorgeous, beautiful creatures. And we are all amazingly unique – so why try to hide it?

So here is this blog I’ve just started with this post. It is my attempt to stop hiding. I have no idea what will end up posted here, but I’m going to post it. I hope you enjoy it – or, at the very least, are inspired to show the world who you are – all of you.

This is my attempt to show the world all of me.